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Soul Therapy in Bristol and London offers counselling for romantic relationships and counselling for family and social issues to clients from Bristol, London, Bath, Cheltenham, Cardiff, Swindon and Reading. Click on the Book A Therapy Session button above to make an appointment with psychotherapist and counsellor Stephen Shaw.
Romantic Relationship Stages
In the beginning of a romantic relationship we experience the Honeymoon Stage which is often quite fun, passionate and romantic. This phase lasts a number of months and the relationship seems easy and flowing. At some point, however, you transition into the Storming Stage. This is quite natural; it is a time of questions regarding compatibility and commitment. You exit the Storming Stage either by finishing the relationship or by moving to the deeper Bonding Stage.
You should seriously consider finishing the relationship if there are specific deal-breakers, e.g. addictions, physical violence, sexual infidelity, betrayal. A relationship is like a house: if you have little security, stability, honesty and trust then the foundation is weak, and the house will eventually crumble.
Many people find themselves in a relationship where the Honeymoon Stage is long over, yet there are no deal-breakers to indicate an exit. The relationship seems to settle into a friendship where neither person feels emotionally fulfilled. You may be living together or married for years but no longer seem be able to get your psychological, emotional, affection and sexual needs fulfilled.
One of the greatest relationship tools or skills is simply talking to your partner using these phrases: "I feel ... I need ... I gently request with no expectations or demands ..."
Unfortunately, socialisation has disempowered our ability to clearly access and express our feelings and needs. And making requests? What a thought! Yet you can revolutionise your relationship with this simple practice.
I highly recommend the excellent relationship and communication techniques outlined in the book by Marshall Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication, A Language For Life.
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If you can't see this video, click here: City Of Angels
What Is Romantic Love?
Can we love and give without an agenda, without holding on to a desired outcome, without expectations? Can we learn to simply enjoy our romantic relationship without slipping into blame, dredging up the past or pushing our stories onto the other? Are criticism and praise merely flip sides of the same coin, and do these truly help a relationship?
What is it we seek in our core? Is it the words 'I love you'? What do these words mean? Do we allow each other the freedom to 'be who I am' and then love each other with compassion, understanding and acceptance?
Can we learn to simply be in the moment in our relationship, and focus on our core needs of heart connection, emotional intimacy, sharing and affection?
Kahlil Gibran in his book The Prophet says:
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.
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If you can't see this video, click here: Miracle
The Art Of The Kiss
Kissing your lover is very sensual, intimate and connecting. For many hard-working couples a kiss is a rushed peck amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Many well intentioned lovers are either not well versed in the art of the kiss or are simply way out of practice!
First guideline: Slow, slow, slow. Don't rush the kiss. Sensuality increases when your speed decreases.
Second: Relax and soften your mouth. Hard, pursed lips do not feel very romantic or sensual.
Third: Open your mouth slightly. Closed or tight lips are a romantic turn-off.
Fourth: Tilt your head. Kissing upright means you will bang your noses, and it is difficult to move to the next level.
Fifth: Use your tongue sometimes. If you do use your tongue, ensure you do it gently, slowly and softly.
Sixth: Use your hands. Fingertips delicately brushing the face can be gorgeous. Light touches on the neck, shoulders or waist are pleasant too. Keep your touches light and slow.
Seventh: Close your eyes. Sometimes leave them open and look into your lover's eyes.
Eighth: Be fully present. Be completely focused on your partner, here and now, ignoring all distracting thoughts.
Ninth: Kiss with your soul, with your entire being. The kiss is not just about your lips, it is about You. Involve your heart, your mind, your body, your soul, all of You.
Tenth: Kiss your lover often! It is romantic, loving, connecting, bonding, sensual ... and often very sexy!
If you can't see this video, click here: Angel
I Need Some Love Education!
Do you love your partner deeply yet engage in frequent and intense arguments ... and then find yourself in a cycle of hurt, heartache and pain? Does your relationship look really good on paper (similar interests, income and values) ... but the passion and romance seems to have slowly disappeared? Do you feel empty and alone in your relationship? Are you getting your emotional, affection and sexual needs met?
Unfortunately we are never educated about love and romantic relationships, so as adults we are heading for pain and heartache. About 50% of Western marriages end in painful divorce; it's as high as 70% if you count people living together in committed relationships. Many people in current relationships wonder how it became so boring, lifeless, argumentative, hurtful, passionless, lonely and sad.
Eventually many couples or individuals consider some form of counselling or psychotherapy. To truly change your romantic life you may need to learn love skills, love language and love techniques. You need to get the love and relationship education you never received at school or university. Like everything in life, once you know the secrets everything becomes really simple.
In Tantra, you learn that your sexual needs and trigger points can change from day to day, and even from one moment to the next! One of the most important tools you learn is communication in the Moment. When you are connecting with affectionate or sexual touch, you need to communicate to your partner what you like, desire, need and enjoy right now, in this moment. You both need to develop flexibility and accept that these desires and needs shift continually.
What does this mean for your relationship? How many of us get stuck in this cycle: My partner loves me and therefore should know me - he/she should know my emotional needs and desires - he/she is not meeting them - I get angry or I withdraw or I don't talk or I simmer for days then explode or I sulk or I walk out or my heart aches and I suffer silently.
Yet how can any partner know your emotional and affection needs and desires if they keep changing, if they keep moving about? It has nothing to do with how much your partner loves you - your partner is not psychic!
So what is the key? Communication.
Talk to your partner often, and in the moment, using these phrases: "I feel ... I need ... I gently request with no expectations or demands ..."
Another brilliant technique is Instant Feedback: When your lover is touching you, gently say "Yes please!" or "Yes" or "Maybe" (unsure if you like it) or "No thanks". Make sure you have agreed upfront with your partner that you will be giving instant feedback. And then swap around and let your partner have a go - maybe 30 minutes each. Or try an hour for you today and an hour for your partner next time. Instant feedback is excellent during sessions of affection, sensual touch, massage and making love.
It is preferable to learn Tantra with a qualified, experienced teacher; however here are two brilliant Tantra books to whet your appetite. I also highly recommend The Hite Report which is a brilliant report on female sexuality ... a real education.
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If you can't see this video, click here: Diana Navarro
My Love, I Need You!
Many adults in our atomised societies believe that they should be autonomous and not needy. Neediness has become equated with weakness and vulnerability ... yet desires and needs are built into the very fabric of who we are! Romantic love, intimacy, connection, affection and passion are beautiful desires that need to be freely expressed. Hearing someone say "I need you" can be as powerful as hearing "I love you".
Joseph Campbell said: "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
Try this exercise with your loved one: Close your eyes and surrender yourselves to the universe and to Love during a minute of silence. Then spend 10 minutes making direct eye contact. Allow yourself to look deeply into your partner's eyes. While making eye contact, intend and direct your heart energy toward your partner. Sense this energy connecting the two of you. Let yourselves experience whatever happens, surrending all control.
Kahlil Gibran in his book The Prophet says:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
___________________For men ________________For women
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If you can't see this video, click here: Pure Consciousness
Wounds Of The Heart
In his book A Secure Base, John Bowlby says that during the critical first three years of life we develop a certain style of relationship interaction. If we had unwounded parents, we might have been showered with the right balance of love and boundaries.
Unfortunately most of us were reared by wounded adults who had good intentions. This usually results in one of two primary wounds with a consequent fear of intimacy:
If you had intrusive parents who were always in your space, you might be an adult who fears that intimacy leads to engulfment, control or manipulation.
If you had parents who did not provide sufficient warm emotional contact, you might be an adult who fears that relationships will lead to rejection, abandonment or loss.
Many wounded adults preempt, project onto and sabotage their relationships. For instance, intimacy is increasing and you believe that engulfment or rejection is around the corner ... so you run away or become very clingy.
Some of us experienced a style of parenting that was both intrusive and cold, leaving us with a confusing mix of wounds! As adults we might find ourselves in push-pull relationships.
Considering most of us are wounded in some way, how do we manage to successfully navigate intimacy? Even more challenging, how do we react when our partner's wounds are triggered? How do we love our partner when both our wounds are triggered simultaneously?
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood is an interesting book that covers relationship wounds and loving relationships, and discusses what we may truly be seeking.
If you can't see this video, click here: Letting Go
Embracing The Yin And Yang
In the 1960s, females were unified by their sense of moral outrage over the historical subordination and exploitation of women by men. Women initiated immense change through the feminist movement ... bringing liberty, independence, equality, increased earnings and enfranchisement. Women experienced a shift in their social identity and transitioned smoothly into this new world.
However, over the last 15 years men have entered a deep identity crisis. Their innate skills and dispositions are less needed in a modern world where food and water is on tap, society is relatively civilised, and the planet is shifting into a spiritual and softer energy.
There are men's groups in every city that explore, validate and allow expression of gender-oriented beliefs and feelings. Men are moving to deeper emotional and spiritual awareness, learning to share feelings, engaging in personal grooming, dressing in the latest fashions, and trying to emotionally connect with their romantic partners.
While feminists may once have criticised men as competitive, exploitative, insensitive, out of touch with their feelings and disconnected from meaningful social relationships ... now women complain that men don't take the intiative, are too gentle, look too well groomed, and are just not 'men' anymore!
Celebrating one's own masculine or feminine energy may be important for identity ... but we are so much more than a physical body ruled by hormones. Exploring and accepting the multidimensional aspects of ourselves may lead to fulfillment, spiritual well-being and freedom ... allowing us to express our unique mix of talents, dispositions, tendencies, thinking styles, emotional voices and ways of living.
Perhaps a deeper freedom and a truly harmonious connection will result as individuals learn to embrace and balance both the yin and yang in themselves ... allowing relationships to flow with no expectations, no roles, no rules ... simply embracing the joy of being!
As Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet: Love one another, but make not a bond of love; let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
If you can't see this video, click here: Don Juan
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Soul Therapy
407 Gloucester Road
Bristol
BS7 8TS
United Kingdom
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London
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Entire website copyright of Stephen Shaw and Soul Therapy 1995-2012