Soul Therapy® - Bristol and London Relationship Counselling

Relationships

Stephen Shaw has degrees in Communication, Clinical Psychology and Psychopathology as well as postgraduate diplomas in Neurolinguistic Programming, Clinical Hypnotherapy, Advanced Scientific Hypnotherapy, Past Life Regression, Psychometric Assessment, Training and Development, and Leadership. Stephen has over 15 years of therapy, healing and business experience, and is a registered member of the British Psychological Society.

For a personal consultation click on the Personal Consultations button at top of the page; for more information about Stephen click on the Stephen Shaw button at top of the page.

Some clients arrive to discuss issues related to family and social connections; however the majority of clients need to discuss issues about romantic relationships. Soul Therapy has a deep interest and heartfelt connection to this beautiful and challenging area of life. In addition, you may wish to learn about success in romantic relationships by clicking on the Life-Change Seminars button at top of the page and perusing the Love Whispers seminar.

Romantic Relationship Stages

In the beginning of a romantic relationship we experience the Honeymoon Stage which is often quite fun, passionate and romantic. This phase lasts a number of months, and the relationship seems easy and flowing. At some point, however, you transition into the Storming Stage. This is quite natural; it is a time of questions regarding compatibility and commitment. You exit the Storming Stage either by finishing the relationship or by moving to the deeper Bonding Stage.

You should seriously consider finishing the relationship if there are specific deal-breakers, e.g. addictions, physical violence, sexual infidelity, betrayal. A relationship is like a house - if you have no security, stability and trust then the foundation is weak, and the house will eventually crumble.

Many people find themselves in a relationship where the Honeymoon Stage is long over, yet there are no deal-breakers to indicate an exit. The relationship seems to settle into a friendship where neither person feels emotionally fulfilled. You may be living together or married for years but no longer seem be able to get your psychological, emotional, affection and sexual needs fulfilled.

One of the greatest relationship tools or skills is simply talking to your partner using these phrases: "I feel ... I need ... I gently request with no expectations or demands ..."

Unfortunately, socialisation has disempowered our ability to clearly access and express our feelings and needs. And making requests? What a thought! Yet you can revolutionise your relationship with this simple practice.

Please read this brilliant book for more details: "Non-Violent Communication, A Language For Life" by Marshall Rosenberg. You can view this book at the relationships category of the Soul Therapy Book Shop (click on button at top of the page).

There are many excellent London and Bristol psychotherapists, hypnotherapists, counsellors and life coaches who can help open a new world for you. Soul Therapy is a London and Bristol psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, counselling and life coaching practice that offers a range of services tailored to each individual client. Soul Therapy was founded upon a decade of experience in psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, counselling and healing.

I Need Some Love Education!

Do you love your partner deeply yet engage in frequent and intense arguments ... and you find yourself in a cycle of hurt, heartache and pain? Does your relationship look really good on paper (similar interests, income and values) ... but the passion and romance seems to have slowly disappeared? Do you feel empty and alone in your relationship? Are you getting your emotional, affection and sexual needs met?

Unfortunately we are never educated about love and romantic relationships, so as adults we are heading for pain and heartache. About 50% of Western marriages end in painful divorce; it's as high as 70% if you count people living together in committed relationships. Many people in current relationships wonder how it became so boring, lifeless, argumentative, hurtful, passionless, lonely and sad.

Eventually many couples or individuals consider some form of counselling or psychotherapy. To truly change your romantic life, however, you need to learn love skills, love language, love techniques. You need to get the love and relationship education you never received at school or university. Like everything in life, once you know the secrets everything becomes really simple.

In tantra, you learn that your sexual needs and trigger points can change from day to day, and even from one moment to the next! One of the most important tools you learn is communication in the moment. When you are connecting with affectionate or sexual touch, you need to communicate to your partner what you like, desire, need and enjoy right now, in this moment. You both need to develop flexibility and accept that these desires and needs shift continually.

What does this mean for your relationship? How many of us get stuck in this cycle: My partner loves me and therefore should know me - he/she should know my emotional needs and desires - he/she is not meeting them - I get angry or I withdraw or I don't talk or I simmer for days then explode or I sulk or I walk out or my heart aches and I suffer silently.

Yet how can any partner know your emotional and affection needs and desires if they keep changing, if they keep moving about? It has nothing to do with how much your partner loves you - your partner is not psychic!

So what is the key? Communication.

Talk to your partner often, and in the moment, using these phrases: "I feel ... I need ... I gently request with no expectations or demands ..."

You may be thinking that it is unromantic or uncomfortable to communicate your needs. Yet how romantic and fulfilling is your current strategy? Are your current beliefs helping or harming your relationship?

What Is Romantic Love?

Can we love and give without an agenda, without holding on to a desired outcome, without expectations? Can we learn to simply enjoy our romantic relationship without slipping into blame, dredging up the past or pushing our stories onto the other? Are criticism and praise merely flip sides of the same coin, and how do these truly help a relationship?

What is it we seek in our core? Is it the words 'I love you'? What do these words mean? Do we allow each other the freedom to 'be who I am' and then love each other with compassion, understanding and acceptance?

Can we learn to simply be in the moment in our relationship, and focus on our core needs of heart-connection, emotional intimacy, sharing and affection?

Kahlil Gibran in his book "The Prophet" says:

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

The Invisible Moments Of Joy

When someone you love passes away, moves to the next dimension, or simply leaves your life ... you often have little flashbacks of loving moments.

You may be standing in the kitchen doing the washing-up and you remember your partner hugging you from behind and brushing little kisses on your neck.

You may be walking in an invigorating forest and you remember your father holding your hand as you watched a beautiful sunset.

You may be sitting in the sun and you remember the moment your child gave you a loving look and you leaned over and hugged her/him.

How is it that in our current relationships (romantic or familial) these moments often pass by unnoticed? How do we manage to be so caught up in work, career, money, routines, disagreements or arguments that we no longer truly see and cherish these glorious moments of love and joy? How do we allow these moments of joy to become invisible in our everyday lives?

How often do we stop and savour a loving joyful moment with our loved ones, our partner, our sons or daughters, or our parents? How often do we take a deep breath and truly appreciate a loving moment?

What do you take with you when your body dies and you move on?

Being in the moment ... and celebrating the moments of love and joy ... is all you ever truly have.

My Love, I Need You!

Many adults in our atomised society engage in the faulty thinking that they should be autonomous and not needy. Neediness has become equated with weakness and vulnerability ... yet desires and needs are built into the very fabric of who we are! Romantic love, intimacy, connection, affection and passion are beautiful desires that need to be freely expressed and pursued. Hearing someone say "I need you" can be as powerful as hearing "I love you".

Joseph Campbell said: "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

Try this exercise with your loved one: Close your eyes and surrender yourselves to the Universe and to Love during a minute of silence. Then spend 10 minutes making direct eye contact. Allow yourself to look deep into your partner's eyes. While making eye contact, intend and direct your heart energy toward your partner. Sense this energy connecting the two of you. Let yourselves experience whatever happens, surrending all control.

Kahlil Gibran in his book "The Prophet" says:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

Wounds Of The Heart

In his book "A Secure Base", John Bowlby says that during the critical first three years of life we develop a certain style of relationship interaction. If we had unwounded parents, we might have been showered with the right balance of love and boundaries.

Unfortunately most of us were reared by wounded adults who had good intentions. This usually results in one of two primary wounds with a consequent fear of intimacy:

If you had intrusive parents who were always in your space, you might be an adult who fears that intimacy leads to engulfment, control or manipulation.

If you had parents who did not provide sufficient warm emotional contact, you might be an adult who fears that relationships will lead to rejection, abandonment or loss.

Many wounded adults preempt, project onto and sabotage their relationships. For instance, intimacy is increasing and you believe that engulfment or rejection is around the corner ... so you run away or become very clingy.

Some of us experienced a style of parenting that was both intrusive and cold, leaving us with a confusing mix of wounds! As adults we might find ourselves in push-pull relationships.

Considering most of us are wounded in some way, how do we manage to successfully navigate intimacy? Even more challenging, how do we react when our partner's wounds are triggered? How do we love our partner when both our wounds are triggered simultaneously?

A book that you may find helpful is "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships" by John Welwood. This interesting book covers relationship wounds and loving relationships, and discusses what we may truly be seeking. You may view the book by clicking on The Book Shop button at the top of the page, then by browsing in the relationships category.

Embracing The Yin And Yang

In the 1960s, females were unified by their sense of moral outrage over the historical subordination and exploitation of women by men. Women initiated immense change through the feminist movement ... bringing liberty, independence, equality, increased earnings and enfranchisement. Women experienced a shift in their social identity and transitioned smoothly into this new world.

However, over the last 15 years men have entered a deep identity crisis. Their innate skills and dispositions are less needed in a modern world where food and water is on tap, society is relatively civilised, and the planet is shifting into a spiritual and softer energy.

There are men's groups in every city that explore, validate and allow expression of gender-oriented beliefs and feelings. Men are moving to deeper emotional and spiritual awareness, learning to share feelings, engaging in personal grooming, dressing in the latest fashions, and trying to emotionally connect with their romantic partners.

While feminists may once have criticised men as competitive, exploitative, insensitive, out of touch with their feelings, and disconnected from meaningful social relationships ... now women complain that men don't take the intiative, are too gentle, look too well-groomed, and are just not 'men' anymore!

Celebrating one's own masculine or feminine energy may be important for identity ... but we are so much more than a physical body ruled by hormones. Exploring and accepting the multidimensional aspects of ourselves may lead to fulfillment, freedom and spiritual well-being ... allowing us to express our unique mix of talents, dispositions, tendencies, thinking styles, emotional voices and ways of living.

The current movement reflects that individuals are learning to embrace and balance both the yin and yang in themselves ... and are approaching romantic relationships as equals with no roles, rules or expectations.

It is exciting to imagine how such modern individuals communicate and co-create a romantic relationship!

Seeking An Evolutionary Soulmate

What if you meet a wonderful and attractive person and you can feel positive energy between the two of you ... but you sense that person is in a different evolutionary place to you?

What happens when you keep evolving mentally, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually ... and you find yourself needing more from a potential partner?

What if you are in a committed relationship or marriage and you find your energy has shifted dramatically over the last few months or years ... while your partner has stood still?

There is much talk about a leap in consciousness as we approach 2012. Is this just more New Age hype with hundreds of therapists and speakers jumping on the band-wagon?

Something seems to be happening on our planet. There is an increasing pushback against domination structures, hierarchies, dictatorships, the plunder of our planet by oil companies, the suppression of free energy technologies, the hoovering up of wealth by elitist corporations and share-holders, the stripping of assets from indigenous peoples, and the disregard for the sick and the poor.

As many of us feel the shift in our energy, our consciousness, our being ... we are faced with seeking a partner who has similar energy and consciousness. A partner who is not self-focused, who is not chasing the next egocentric rainbow dream ... rather someone who wants to make a difference. A real difference.

Someone who cares deeply about other people. Someone who knows that lighting even a small candle is better than standing on the side-line complaining about the darkness.

These subtle yet profound energy shifts compel us to seek our evolutionary soulmate ... so that we may hold hands, feel our hearts beat as one, and walk powerfully down the next path of life together.

The Art Of The Kiss

Kissing your lover is very sensual, intimate and connecting.

For many hard-working couples a kiss is a rushed peck here and there amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Many well-intentioned lovers are either not well-versed in the art of the kiss or are simply way out of practice!

First guideline: Slow, slow, slow. Don't rush the kiss. Sensuality increases when your speed decreases.

Second: Relax and soften your mouth. Hard, pursed lips do not feel very romantic or sensual.

Third: Open your mouth slightly. Closed or tight lips are a romantic turn-off.

Fourth: Tilt your head. Kissing upright means you will bang your noses, and it is difficult to move to the next level.

Fifth: Use your tongue sometimes. If you do use your tongue, ensure you do it gently, slowly and softly.

Sixth: Use your hands. Fingertips delicately brushing the face can be gorgeous. Light touches on the neck, shoulders or waist are pleasant too. Keep your touches light and slow.

Seventh: Close your eyes. Sometimes leave them open and look into your lover's eyes.

Eighth: Be fully present. Be completely focused on your partner, here and now, casting aside all distracting thoughts.

Ninth: Kiss with your soul, with your entire being. The kiss is not just about your lips, it is about You. Involve your heart, your mind, your body, your soul, all of You.

Tenth: Kiss your lover often! It is romantic, loving, connecting, bonding, sensual ... and often very sexy!

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Soul Therapy

Suite 30
42 Triangle West
Bristol BS8 1ES
United Kingdom

1-7 Harley Street
London W1G 9QD

(+44) 07800939971

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